The OzFreaks Series

[Natalie]

Here is my collection of OzFreaks fics thus far as posted on my journal and now appearing here for individuals like Ferrero who would never have the pleasure (ha) of reading them otherwise.

[Natalie]

Title: The element of surprise is not always welcome.
Author: Natalie.
Fandom: OzFreaks.
Ratings/Warnings: Rated T for trash.
Characters/Pairings: Mike/Brian/Bernadette.
Spoilers: Demystifies the Brian/Bernie relationship.
Disclaimer: I have no idea how to set these things out so I copied velvetandlace.
Summary: Mike is exposed to a little more than he expected.
A/N: 327 words.

In a galaxy far, far away.

Mike walked into OzFreaks headquarters in his big black trench coat.

It was cold outside but that didn't stop him from following his instinct and wearing nothing underneath... nothing that is but one fully loaded revolver, strapped on and really to blow.

Now if only he could find Brian around, anywhere. Mike couldn't believe Brian wouldn't be in; he was always around at this time chatting online to the others about the latest film he despised.

Mike started to doubt what he was doing now. Maybe he shouldn't be so expectant, maybe he should just turn around and leave after all he had other places to be, places where he would feel much more at home.

Suddenly he heard something fall sharply to the floor. He thought the place was empty. Who the fuck would be around at this time of morning, it was meant to be just Brian and him.

Then almost immediately a feeling of hope welled inside of him, which he couldn't quash. Brian must be here after all.

Mike decides to make his way to the offices downstairs. Wouldn't it be perfect if he could surprise Brian, it would make his day. Slowly he creeps down the stairs, carefully avoiding the all too familiar creaks in the floorboards not wanting to give the game away.

As he prepares to burst through the door he stops. Mike can hear something, a sound, is it... panting? This is not happening, thinks Mike, it can't be, no it must be a mistake. He pushes open the door and peers inside only to find Brian there on the desk naked, his body partly obscured by someone, brown hair flowing. Mike blinks and searches for a face, she turns towards him is it, it can't be, "Bernadette!" he shouts stunned. How could she do this?

Mike turns to run, not sure where he is headed. His revolver drops... life as he knows it is about to change forever.

[Natalie]

Title: No one loves me like I love me.
Author: Natalie.
Fandom: OzFreaks.
Ratings/Warnings: Splash fans beware.
Characters/Pairings: Splash/Splash.
Spoilers: Nothing you didn't already know.
Disclaimer: DEVO reference, yikes.
Summary: We find the office is not as enamored by Splash as he would like to think.
A/N: 388 words.

Don't look now!

Splash thought he was debonair, others did not.

This didn't concern Splash in the least because he knew he had "it". Had what, the others wondered as Splash chewed their ears off with stories of his many delicious conquests.

"Why doesn't this guy ever shut up?" moaned Natalie to anyone who would listen. "I cannot fucking take it anymore" chimes in Felicity, Natalie's reluctant sidekick. "I think he is a tool" Brian adds carefully making sure Splash doesn't overhear not wanting to ruin his position as Splash's right hand man. Brian was already in Splash's bad books over the mess he had conspicuously forgotten to clean off the downstairs desk.

Just then Splash walks past and winks, whistling along merrily to some obscure DEVO tune that he has on vinyl. Splash loved days like this when the OzFreaks headquarters was a buzzing hive of activity, the troops bouncing various witticisms off each other. It makes for light work, he thinks tossing his head back so it catches the sunlight just so. "What fun!" laughs Splash, the others turn to stare at him, "Huh?" they state in unison. "Oh, did I say that aloud? Oops, inside thought".

"Knob head" mutters Natalie under her breath, Why haven't I knocked this guy out earlier? she wonders.

"Guys, I'm going to be in my office. If anyone needs me just holler" he calls over his shoulder as he enters his spacious office and carefully hangs his tear stained Queensland State of Origin jersey upon the cloak rack. Miraculously something catches his eye, something beautiful. He turns and stares in wonderment; it cannot be, he thinks, this is too perfect!

Splash saunters forward to sample a closer look.

"What big eyes you have!" he whimpers, trying out his best pick-up line. No response.
"What big ears you have!" Still nothing.
"What big teeth you have!" Zilch.

Then suddenly piping up in the sweetest voice you ever did hear, "All the better to eat you with, m'dear". Splash melts.

"There's going to be a good time in the old town tonight, hey gorgeous?" Splash smiles as he walks up and plants a big kiss upon the reflection pouting right before him.

Outside peering through the office window Brian exclaims to the others, "Boy, I hope this doesn't mean he'll make me clean that mirror again".

[Natalie]

Title: "Whoever said you can't learn anything from popular culture is a tool" or "Harvey gets a stethoscope".
Author: Natalie.
Fandom: OzFreaks.
Ratings/Warnings: Some horror and coarse language.
Characters/Pairings: Fishnets Jay, Nurse Ferrero, Bernie/Steve/Brian, Natalie, Sleeping Echolalia, Dr O'Sullivan, Splash and some ambulance drivers.
Spoilers: Don't read if you don't like the sound of Brian in pain.
Disclaimer: Purple Monkey Dishwasher.
Summary: Brian attempts to stand up to Splash but faces some harsh consequences.
A/N: 1053 words.

It is only midday and already Brian wishes he hadn't come into the office today.

Brian stands cleaning the mirror in Splash's office. His back is aching from all of the strain it takes just to budge the Revlon colour stay lipstick in whore red from the glass.

Natalie wanders in to grab some papers from the desk, she sees Brian in the corner scrubbing away. He is all bent over and looks to be in pain, his arse crack is showing slightly above his shorts. "Brian!" she yelps startling him, "what the hell are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing?" he responds frustrated by her having caught him out "I'm just doing what Splash asked". Natalie marches over to Brian and slaps him across the face "Dude, wake up! You aren't Cinderella and Prince Charming isn't going to magically appear if you keep hiding away in here doing Splash's bidding". Brian's face falls; he knows Natalie is right... she is always right, there is only so much a man can take. He wasn't put on this planet to take shit from a private school jerk.

"Natalie, I don't know what to do. Since Bernie left me for Steve I've been miserable. Anybody could ask me to do anything and I'd just do it. Like Jay asked me to buy him some fishnet stockings from Myer because he was too embarrassed, so I did. Now the shop assistants look at me like I'm a freakish loser every time I step foot in there. I am sick of being everyone's bitch". "Brian, Brian, Brian" Natalie shakes her head fiercely "You don't need to take that crap, Splash is just a private school jerk and Jay, well Jay I won't go there".

How does she always know what I'm thinking? Brian contemplates, I think that girl can read minds, spooky.

"It's about time you stand up to Splash once and for all. Worst-case scenario you lose your job and don't have to see his ugly mug again or Bernie and Steve making kiss kiss face in the corner". "Okay" Brian mutters apprehensively, he can see he is headed for a train wreak and Natalie will be the driver. Brian hikes up his sagging shorts, making a mental note to buy a belt (but not from Myer) and follows Natalie slowly out of Splash's office.

As they head out to find Splash, Jay saunters past them and flips them the thumbs up. Brian and Natalie both watch him walk away. What a great arse they both think. "Those stockings look great with his mini" Natalie whispers to Brian "He has the body of a twelve year old boy but I'm still jealous" Brian nods. "Hey there he is" Natalie points over to Splash's figure hurriedly crossing the OzFreaks floor "this is your chance" she encourages. With a slight push she propels Brian forward not quite knowing her own strength. Brian falters and falls, tumbling headlong into a sleeping Echolalia. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Brian screams grabbing his shattered knee "what the fuck have you done?" Echolalia continues to sleep through the commotion only stirring once to scratch her nose.

Splash, Jay and the rest of the gang run up to check on Brian. Natalie tries to feel guilty but she can't. "Oh, get up stupid" she shouts over Brian's sharp howls. "I don't think he can get up" Jay chimes in. Splash agrees, "I'm thinking I better call an ambulance or something". "Call the fucking ambulance," snarls Brian. "Alright already" Splash utters defensively "You know there was this one time I saved this little girl from a burning apartment in my building. She had a kitten and didn't want to leave it so she stayed inside and fainted because of the all the smoke. I broke the door down with my axe American Psycho style grabbed her and her kitten, threw them out the window then jumped from five stories high to the ground. I fell on my knee just like Brian you know and was like all ouch and stuff".

"Shut up Splash!" everybody shouts at once. "We don't have time for your stories, okay?" Jay glares at Splash.

Splash looking a tad hurt rushes to the phone.

"I've already called" a voice licks at Brian's ears from the shadows. "Bernie, how good of you" Splash calls rushing forward to greet her. "They should be here in a moment," she adds. How does she always manage to know when I need her? Brian wonders.

There is a wail from the street below. The ambulance must be here, Brian thinks relieved as he passes out from the pain.

Meanwhile down at Bay City Rollers Hospital, Dr O'Sullivan is prepping for Brian's arrival.

"Okay, we have a male, mid 20s, shattered knee... don't know much more but clear Exam Room One for his arrival the ambos will be here shortly, purple monkey dishwasher".

Nurse Ferrero rolls his eyes but proceeds to prep the room very much a veteran of Dr O'Sullivan's strange bedside manner after all they had been working side by side for two years now and counting.

Just down the white washed corridor, past the waiting patients of all shapes and sizes and through the emergency doors the sound of the approaching ambulance can be heard as it rushes up the driveway outside.

"Chicken salt, typewriters, Bill Hicks fucking himself, vampire women, women love, love hurts sometimes, prostitutes in aprons, purple monkey dishwasher" screams Dr O'Sullivan as he orders his nurses to gather around.

Outside in the ambulance Brian is hallucinating seeing all manner or things least of all Bernie in a bathing suit. Brian smiles to himself, this is better than reality he thinks. "This guy needs some pain meds stat" calls Ambo One to Ambo Two. "Okay, but he can hold out for a bit, we're here now let's bring him in" Ambo Two mutters. "I love you Bernie" Brian slurs as he reaches up towards the Ambo, "Give us a kiss sweetie".

Dr O'Sullivan rushes out with Nurse Ferrero his white dress flapping in the afternoon breeze; thankful he remembered to wear underwear today. "Thank God you're here Doctor!" exhales Ambo One "The patient was starting to paw at me. I think he is in a bad way".

"Don't worry he'll be in safe hands" reassures Dr O'Sullivan "Michael Crichton taught me everything I know, purple monkey dishwasher".

[Splash]

I think there needs to be more sex between the "Splash" and "Natalie" characters.

[Steve McCroski]

I still think I need to feature more. I'm quite a prominent figure in my own life would you believe.

[echolalia]

Sleeping Echolalia? I like. My new mob nickname. *scratches her nose and goes back to sleep*

[Enid]

I think I need to feature less. All this fictional action is making me depressed.

[Natalie]

More Splash/Natalie action as opposed to none?

More Steve... okay.

Steve and Brian will have an old fashioned dual over Berni (with an i) who will now be played by Kibbles her mid season replacement.

More Sleeping Echolalia, mob princess and ruler of Bay City. Check.

[Steve McCroski]

Can I just have sex with lots of random people and then get a random sexual disease and die of it and then they can come to my funeral. And there will be an after funeral party. I think that'd be awesome. The after funeral party, not the sex and sexual disease. That's not cool.

We will duel. Brian and I. I've been practising for a while. We had to do a game in my improvisation class where we had to duel. No, wait, that was in primary school. 12 x 9! Ah! Ah! 82! NO! DAMN! 81! That kind of thing.

[Natalie]

Well, which sexual disease do you want? And what music do you want played at the after party?

So you took fencing classes. Excellent! Are you in the Medieval Club at uni?

Were you in primary school in 81? I knew you were older than you were saying.

[Steve McCroski]

I don't know. Chlamydia or something like that. The clap. That always sounds good. I don't think I could get it, but, this is fiction isn't it?

I have done sword fighting before. Yes.

No, I wasn't even conceived in 81. The world did not exist in 81. Well, in the world of Steve McCroski it didn't.

[Natalie]

You never, never know if you never, never go.

[Steve McCroski]

I've been to Darwin before. Don't pull that Daryl Sommers trick on me again.

[Enid]

Darwin is going to be my new home eventually, anyone want to come along?